Reflections
by Red Horseman
Summary: It's farther into the future and Asuka has a surprise sprung on her, how does she react. Scene changes in Part 4.
1. Hate and Forgiveness

Started October 22, 2001   
Finished November 3, 2001   
  
  
Hate and Forgiveness   
  
Red Horseman   
  
* * * *   
  
I should hate her.   
  
That's all I can think as I stand out here on the balcony of our new living   
arrangements looking out into the darkness. The mountains are silhouetted by a   
full moon that barely clears their peaks, dark jagged gray against the pale   
gray of the night. Looking down into the valley I can see where Tokyo-3 used to   
be, now all that's there is a hole in the ground where the Geofront rose out of   
the earth. The roads are like gray fingers that reach out to grasp something   
that is no longer there. Without humans and the noise they make, the night is   
quiet except for the sounds of insects and animals living and dying in the   
wilderness. Yet that is false and I can't help but bow my head in shame as I   
try to ignore the truth.   
  
She is crying again as a nightmare torments her and I can hear it even all   
the way out here. It's been half an hour since she started and it tears at my   
heart and my soul, as I want to ignore her. It's not the hard crying of a sudden   
death of someone close, but a sob of something lost. The sobs are at times loud   
and distinct with each intake of breath being clear to my ears, while at others   
I can barely hear her. I shouldn't care what she is going through with   
everything that has happened lately. I have my own nightmares that haunt me at   
night and cause me to wake up trembling and shaking from the events in the past.   
A nightmare was what had driven me to the balcony in the hopes of calming my   
heart and clearing my mind, but instead I find myself even more torn.   
  
I should hate her and I feel my body tremble from anger or is it sadness as   
I take a deep breath and close my eyes. As I release that breath I find myself   
turning from the railing and walking back into the dark house avoiding the   
possessions of the former occupants. The dark hallway beckons to me, like I'll   
find some redemption at the end or maybe just hell will greet me. But neither   
of those events happened as I walk down the short hall and stop at an open   
doorway, staring at the bed and its occupant. She is shaking under her thin   
blanket and her cheek is streaked with silver from where the lamp light catches   
her tears. Her long, auburn hair is a twisted mess and forms a crude red halo   
from where she has thrown her head in trying to escape her dream. The uninjured   
arm is cradling the bandaged arm as she tries to curl up into a ball but can't.   
  
I should hate her.   
  
She was the Demon to Touji and Kensuke right from the start when they met   
her on the aircraft carrier. Sure she had every right to slap them, but she was   
at fault for wearing that dress on the windy deck. And it only got worse between   
the three of them when she transferred to our class and school. She teased and   
ridiculed them every chance she got from being perverts to acting like little   
children. It was bad enough when she only attacked them, since they were my   
friends, but when I was included it was insulting. But Touji and Kensuke were   
just as bad in their counterstrikes against her and her comments, which only   
made things worse when events kept getting bad. I should have done something,   
but I retreated, not wanting to get caught in the middle.   
  
To the girls of our school she was the Bitch. From the first day that she   
arrived at school she had the attention of every male in the school. She didn't   
have to try and yet she didn't care what they thought. She flaunted her beauty   
and brains showing contempt to the girls that were good looking while being   
smug to the girls that were smart. She used every opportunity to reinforce her   
view that she was superior to every girl in the school and that they could never   
match her in looks. It was her attitude of superiority and good looks that   
caused the girls to hate her. Only Hikari was her friend some how befriending   
Asuka and becoming her confidante.   
  
But the worst were the boys, both those that had dated and those that wanted   
her. To them Asuka was simply the Tease at best and at the worst, I'd rather not   
say. To them and me, I must admit, she was very beautiful in every physical way.   
Yet she treated them like fools, leading them around by the noses and getting   
what she wanted. They hated how she would only go with them once and state how   
lame they had been. She told them that they were just children, immature in   
every sense. The ridicule, teasing and torments finally reached the limit where   
the boys didn't care about her. And yet she never noticed because she wanted   
Kaji, a man who had never shown a romantic interest in her at all.   
  
I should hate her.   
  
Her habits haven't changed since living with Misato months ago, and I find   
myself slowly making my way across the dirty floor. Kicking a pile of dirty   
clothes out of the way, I sink down to my knees next to her bed. My heart is   
racing as I reach out to her cheek wanting to wipe a tear away. But even asleep   
she fights me by turning her head at the last moment and avoiding my fingers.   
My hand finds her neck and I gently stroke it, aware that only a couple months   
ago I was choking her. That slight touch on her skin causes her to turn onto   
her side, tightening her body even more. A cry comes from her lips and I find   
myself standing up to sit at the head of her bed.   
  
With slow, careful motions I roll her onto my lap, easing her up into a   
reclined position and holding her in an embrace. Her head rests against my   
chest as my body supports her back and weight. I run a hand through her silky   
hair, straightening it as much as possible, and waiting for her to wake up. But   
she is too lost in the horror of her nightmare and she does not notice my   
actions. Taking care not to touch her improperly, I wrap my arms around her   
midsection under her own arms, avoiding putting pressure on her injuries. Her   
frown eases and she grips my arm with her free hand, but never wakes. I can   
only hold her letting the heat from our bodies mingle as I stare at the far   
wall.   
  
I should hate her.   
  
She pushed me away every time I tried to get close to her, wanting to try and   
understand this complex person. Since I first met her I wanted to know her, to   
get close and learn how she handled her problems. But she didn't want to be   
friends with me or anyone else. We were all unworthy of being in her presence,   
except for Kaji. She held me in special contempt as I slowly approached and   
exceeded her synch ratio. Later she pushed me completely out of her life when I   
desperately needed someone to talk to about what had happened. And I didn't help   
when I ran away after her mind-rape, not wanting to listen to her rage when I   
should have helped.   
  
Touji or Kensuke had always teased me that I was in love with Asuka. They   
were wrong because I had never known what love was back in those months. I   
didn't want to think that I was in love with Asuka and later end up hurting her   
or myself because it turned out to be false. I did and still do care about her   
so much and maybe in a few years I'll know what love is. But back then I wanted   
to be her friend, not just a teammate or roommate. I wanted to show her that   
she could come to me or me to her to talk about our problems. But that was   
doomed from the start since I could never express how I truly felt and she   
would never talk about her problems. Yet she had always teased me with her body   
whether it was at the pool, the last night of our synch training or even our   
first kiss. It destroyed me when she told me how disgusted she was for kissing   
me.   
  
I should hate her.   
  
I feel that I should hate her for everything that she had done to me during the   
Angels. I should hate this girl for tormenting and demeaning me every chance she   
had and not caring about my feelings. For all her teasing and how she pushed me   
away I should not be holding Asuka in my arms as she whimpers in her sleep. Yet   
as I look down at her sleeping face I can't hate her. She is a twin of myself   
and all I can see is two troubled teenagers with no one else to turn to for   
help. I don't hate her because I can partially understand her.   
  
During that second, hour or whatever time frame Third Impact occurred in I   
learned something of her. After I had been rejected by the Asuka in my mind and   
fought her on the train, I had found out something about the two of us. When our   
souls and minds joined for the instant I learned more about Asuka than I   
possibly wanted to. Yet I can't deny the fact that I learned something about   
myself at the same time. For all our differences we are not opposites but the   
same. We are only different in our expressions of our fears.   
  
I can understand her.   
  
During that moment of Third Impact I saw the true Asuka and she saddened   
me. Instead of the tough and arrogant girl, I found a girl afraid and scared of   
ever reaching out to someone for help or love. I knew she was seeing the same   
thing in me as my past was exposed to her. I couldn't help but cry as I saw her   
find her mother hanging dead from the ceiling or how her father had abandoned   
her to the care of the uncaring NERV personnel. As I saw this I knew that I had   
seen the fragile girl before when she cried for her mother at night and when   
Kaji had rejected her after bringing Misato home drunk.   
  
As her memories flashed through my mind I was surprised at how similar we   
were in so many aspects. Her attitude and actions changed as I saw them combined   
with the past. The teasing and demeaning of people was not done out of spite,   
but to keep people at arms length. If she hurt them first, then they could never   
hurt her. Keeping herself isolated and without friends ensured that they would   
never abandon or leave her. I could understand because I was doing the same   
things as her, but in a different way. I ran away from those that could hurt me   
or I backed down from confrontations because I didn't want to be rejected. We   
were both so tired of being hurt by others.   
  
Her superior attitude I learned was that so people would not forget her.   
First her mother had forgotten her, and then her father and stepmother left her   
behind, to fade from their memories. From that simple touch, I saw that Asuka   
felt that if she wasn't the best at everything, then she was unimportant to the   
world, and a person to be forgotten in time. That was why she had seen me as a   
threat, not because I would harm her, but because she would be pushed into the   
background. Her sole purpose and value in her mind was to be the best EVA pilot   
and not be forgotten. I felt the same way, I felt that I had value when I   
piloted where before I was nobody, and worthless to society. If we couldn't   
pilot EVA and be the best we had no reason to live.   
  
I can forgive.   
  
Staring down at her sleeping face I still find her beautiful, but this time   
it isn't purely just her body. Her soul is just as beautiful, despite how she   
had acted before Third Impact. Even the scars that crisscross her body can't   
change my opinion of Asuka. The stupid thing is even though we had our minds   
and souls laid open, we fell back into our prior roles after waking up. It was   
those roles that I felt I should hate her. That Asuka still didn't trust me   
enough to open up to me and I was still afraid of being rejected.   
  
I can see that her nightmare is ending as she isn't twisting in my arms as   
much and her cries are dying. Holding Asuka I can't believe that I wanted to be   
alone in my life. I felt that I couldn't trust people not to hurt me or reject   
my feelings. But now I no longer want to be alone, I want to trust Asuka enough   
to love her and not reject me. I want her to trust me to see that I'll never   
hurt her or abandon her of my own free will. But for me to accomplish that, I   
have to do something that I've avoided since waking up on the beach. Reaching   
over I turn the light off, getting ready to sleep and lay my head against the   
wall and as I drift asleep sharing warmth with Asuka I make myself a promise.   
  
I can forgive her.   
  
Something is moving around in my arms as I slowly wake up to pale light.   
Looking I see Asuka's blue eyes simply looking at me, she slid down into my lap   
in the night. Despite that my hands are on her breasts, I don't feel nervous at   
all. I gaze into her eyes waiting for the anger to erupt, but all I can see is   
her puzzlement and curiosity. Swallowing before the moment is lost I tell her   
what I realized last night.   
  
"Asuka, I'll understand if you hate me." My voice is thick as I carefully   
choose my words. "I haven't done anything to gain your trust. I let you be   
raped by that Angel and ran away when I should have stayed. I retreated from   
the world only wanting comfort from people, and now I know I should have reached   
out."   
  
I want to turn my head at this part but I don't. "I turned you into an   
object and violated your body for my own purposes. Your death was on my hands   
because I no longer cared about living or others, I was selfish. But the worst   
thing was that I tried to kill you. I let my anger control my actions, and   
blamed you for how I was feeling. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself."   
  
"But I don't hate you." Her eyes widen, but I close mine briefly. When I open   
them again in a couple seconds I finish. "And I forgive you. I forgive you for   
the entire name calling and teasing. Whatever happened before I don't care about   
that anymore."   
  
I can only watch sadly as two tears escape her eyes and slide down her   
cheeks. Slowly I release her from my embrace and wait for her judgment or even   
punishment. Instead of rushing out of my arms and away from me, she slowly sits   
up and gets to her feet. She spends a few moments adjusting a sling on her arm   
before turning back to me. We simply look at each other silently. I can see that   
she is nervous about something from the way she is biting her lower lip. With   
the barest of hesitation Asuka lifts her free arm to me with her palm up. I sit   
there staring unsure at what is happening.   
  
She is shaking, I notice her hand tremble at my inaction, as I continue to   
sit on the bed. Reaching out I carefully lay my hand on hers getting a small   
smile as my reward. She curls her fingers around my hand and tugs slightly,   
making me come to my feet. Still holding my hand she slowly walks out of her   
room and out of the house. I can't do anything, as I'm unused to a gentle touch   
from Asuka, her skin is so soft and warm. We leave the house and walk along a   
path in the grass that I have not noticed before. Asuka never misses a step as   
we climb the hill behind the house in our bare feet.   
  
"Asuka." I start as we reach the top, slightly winded.   
  
"Quiet Shinji," Her voice is a whisper.   
  
I look around in amazement and sadness at what she has done to the hilltop.   
Small crosses are arranged in a row so that the rising sun strikes all of them,   
causing them to point to a rectangular rock. Asuka guides me to the rock and   
letting go of my hand sits down. After I sit down she doesn't move closer, she   
is sitting there staring at the horizon. The sun is slowly climbing into the   
sky casting a rainbow of reds and oranges across the land and our lookout. I   
turn my head blinking away tears and see Asuka looking at me tears still in her   
eyes.   
  
"Shinji, I can't forgive you." I try to stand by she is gripping my arm   
tightly. "Please, just hear me out."   
  
"I can't forgive you yet, because I still have to forgive myself. You say   
that you haven't forgiven yourself but you have. You've come to terms with your   
actions, at least partially."   
  
"No."   
  
"Yes, you have or you would have never told me about," She swallows and   
lowers her eyes. "About what you did to me." Asuka soon looks at me again.   
"But I still have to come to terms with how I treated you and others. I need to   
think of who I really am and who I want to be in the future."   
  
"Asuka?"   
  
She gets up and walks over to the crosses and kneels down reaching out to   
touch one. "Do you know what these represent?"   
  
I shake my head silently, "No I don't."   
  
"They represent everyone who has ever hurt or abandoned me." She goes quiet   
and I can see her tremble. "And everyone who I have hurt."   
  
Getting up I walk over to the crosses and look at the names. Sure enough each   
little crosspiece has a name carved into it. It doesn't surprise me to see   
Misato's and my name on separate crosses. Or her mother and Kaji's on others.   
There are at least a dozen crosses on this hilltop bearing names of people who   
Asuka felt were important enough to remember. Seeing Rei's name on the last   
cross is a big surprise, but I don't know if it is because Rei hurt Asuka, or   
vice versa. Maybe both.   
  
"Deep down I know that my mother didn't mean to leave me or that you'll never   
hurt me on purpose." Asuka reaches out to steady herself before continuing. "Or   
that you won't leave me. That's what my nightmare was about last night. I dreamt   
that instead of working with me these last months you turned your back on me and   
walked away. I'm tired of letting my past shape my future."   
  
"I just need more time Shinji. Two months isn't long enough for me to forgive   
my past life or my opinions of you. -Please-," Asuka stressed that word. "Just   
be patient."   
  
I slowly make my way over to her as I let her words sink in about how she   
needs more time. Have I come to terms with myself that quickly or is it just a   
delusion? Resting a hand on her shoulder I can feel Asuka tremble at my touch,   
but I don't remove my hand. When she stands and turns around her hair has   
covered her face partially. I stop as I reach out and study her face, seeing   
only a faint trace of sadness.   
  
"I'll give you as much time as you need Asuka. I'll always be here for you   
and never leave. I promise." She nods her head and gives me a small smile.   
  
"Thank you."   
  
* * * *   
  
Shinji and Asuka are the same person if you take a look at them. They only   
differ in how they express their fears. If you look at Asuka in the series and   
truly try to understand her you see that everything she does is defensive. She   
pushes people away before they can leave her. Asuka hurts people first so that   
they will not hurt her. She has the same experiences as Shinji relating to   
families and how they were ignored as children. Both their lives have been ones   
of pain and suffering. They do not want to trust people for fear of rejection   
and being hurt.   
  
Anyways C&C is welcome.   
  
Red Horseman: eva_pilot9@secondimpact.com 


	2. Sorrow and Comfort

Started December 7, 2001  
Finished December 17, 2001  
  
Sorrow and comfort   
  
Red Horseman  
  
* * * * *  
  
What is comfort? I don't know, but I know what sorrow is. It has been a part  
of my life for so long that I don't know if I can ever break free.   
  
  
  
No! Leave me alone damn it. I'm over this, I'm no longer the scared little  
girl.  
  
My denials do nothing to break through the pain as a nightmare slowly   
tightens its hold on me. Even before it has truly begun I can feel what is   
going to happen to me. I try to stand defiantly in my mind as a bright light   
illuminates me, and a chorus starts to sing in the background. My defiance lasts  
for a few moments as the rape of my mind starts and the pain fills my entire   
being. Many times in the past months I have tried to explain what it felt like   
to be raped mentally. But just as soon as I started I stopped, curling up into   
a ball wanting to alone in the world. As that thought makes its way through my   
mind I find myself doing the same, sinking into the light.  
  
The tremors race through my body as images of the past are ripped from the  
deepest part of my mind. It still hurts even after what has happened in the   
world and with me. Maybe I will never be free of the pain or images of how I   
used to act to others around me. I find myself crying and screaming just like  
I did during the actual event, but it's different this time. As I pull my hands  
away from my face they are covered in blood. I try to scream even louder but  
all that comes out is a gurgle, my breath barely coming. As the Angel continues  
to defile my mind I feel myself rise up, a floor forming underneath me. The   
level of horror is reaching its peak as I realize what is happening. I close my  
eyes as I feel my body drop, something wrapped around my neck.  
  
"Asuka!"  
  
The dream is broken before it can reach its terrible climax by the sudden   
shout of my name. Arms wrap themselves around me pulling me closer to the   
warmth of another person. I want to fight as the dream has woken a part of my  
past that wanted to reject all human contact. Instead I grab hold of the arms   
around me, not letting myself move away. As I run my hand up one of the arms  
around me I can feel the disfigurement of a badly healed bone. Even as I open   
my eyes I know Shinji is comforting me at this time.   
  
I can see the worry in his eyes as I bring mine up to look at him. I feel   
sick as I give him a smile, and ruffle his hair. He has probably been up all  
night either watching me or holding me during my nightmare in my new bed.   
Resting my head against his chest, I feel the same confusion of emotions that  
I had the first time I had woken up to him holding me. Even nine months later  
I can't help but feel both sorrow and comfort at the kindness being shown to   
me. His hands come up to the nape of my neck gently rubbing the tightness away.  
Sadly I lift his arms from around me, and throw off the comforter before  
standing in sweat-drenched clothes. I walk towards the door feeling his eyes on  
me as I step through.  
  
"Thank you Shinji."  
  
- -  
  
What am I so afraid of?  
  
That is the only thing going through my mind as I slip into the warm water   
of a hot springs near our farm. We had moved away from Tokyo-3 as soon as my   
injuries allowed us to and when we had found enough food. Now the place of so  
many sad memories for us is a week away by foot. Close enough that if need be   
we can go there for supplies, yet far enough away that we can start our lives  
over. And we have started new lives and a future in the small, yet comfortable  
house.   
  
For the first time in my life I have felt what it is to be comfortable. We  
share all the chores and duties to survive in a world of only two human beings.  
There are no longer stores to run to when we need food or clothing or any other  
material items. I hated it in the beginning as I was unused to doing physical   
labor, but so was Shinji. Some of our worst fights occurred over one of us   
complaining, mainly me, about the work. And yet Shinji has held nothing against  
me and vice versa.  
  
I float out into the middle of the springs, looking up at the blue sky as the  
sun continues to rise. Even as I close my eyes I know what the day will be like  
for the two of us. Shinji will have a meal prepared by the time I come back.   
After that we will check out the crops and traps that continue to provide us   
with a supply of food. Then we will let our curiosity or imagination take us   
wherever, to be together yet alone at the same time. The number of conversation  
topics has dwindled almost to nothing, but some how we always find something   
to talk about. And yet I don't feel bored or indifferent to my situation   
with Shinji.  
  
I'm finding out what it is to be truly happy and content. So why am I afraid  
of telling Shinji how I feel?  
  
He is not the wimp or coward I had always called him during the Angels. As he  
had looked at my heart and soul, I gazed at his in the same moment. In that  
moment, I found someone exactly like me in nature, not that I hadn't noticed   
before. But Third Impact had a way of shattering my defenses and my biases of  
people around me. I know Shinji would rather find some other means of defusing   
a situation instead of fighting, even if that method was to take blame for   
things that were not his fault. And that when pushed too far, Shinji would   
fight, destroying that which threatened his friends, even those that had hurt   
him, like me.  
  
After he had told me that he had forgiven me I had almost rejected him. I   
told him that I needed to find myself, to forgive myself for my past wrongs. He  
has obeyed my wishes up to a certain limit. If I need my space to be alone or  
to think about something he gives it to me. And there are times like last night  
where he will not allow me to put up my walls or defenses. It can be really  
annoying at times, but it shows that he cares, that he wants to show that he  
meant what he said about being there when I needed him. And I do want him   
around me during the hard times. I need him now and he needs me.  
  
Maybe that wanting. My needing of someone being with me is what is causing  
causing my nightmares. Dreams are the manifestation of the minds fears and   
hopes, so are my recent nightmares of sorrow or finding comfort? I can only   
hope that it is comfort as I dry myself off after climbing out of the pool of   
hot water.  
  
- -  
  
I want to be comfortable, to be... loved.  
  
Funny how the mind can mock itself, and the personality that resides in it.   
I'm finding these nightmares to be both unsettling and annoying. All they seem  
to show are my past mistakes, the hateful little girl, and my losses. They   
never can concentrate on the good that I have done since waking or my true   
self that was buried under a shell. Maybe these nightmares are trying to tell   
me something in a bizarre, twisted fashion. Yet I can't figure out what that  
message seems to be for the life of me. I'm tired of the nightmares, I want to  
dream of things that I have never dreamed of before. Things I had thought would  
forever be denied me.  
  
That's all I can think, as I lie curled up in a little ball in my bed, simply  
looking out my single window. I try really hard not to look at the reminders  
of my past, or even think about them. But reality has a way of crashing through  
barriers that we put up around us to keep from being hurt. Even as I try to  
rally myself to stop moving I find myself crawling out of bed, stripping out  
of my clothes until I'm nude and standing in front of a full-length mirror.  
  
I feel the hot sting of tears sliding down my cheeks as I stare at my  
maturing body. The body that I was so proud of during the Angels now bears   
the marks of my greatest defeat and loss. My body seems to be moving of its   
own accord as I lift my arm staring at the long streak of scar tissue that runs   
along its length stopping at the elbow. I don't stop looking as I stare at the   
scars on my upper torso, one piercing a breast, the others located over various  
parts of my anatomy that should have killed me. I can't help but smile   
ironically at the scar on my pelvis, thinking that a couple inches lower and I   
would never have to worry about bringing a life into this world. As much as   
these scars hurt me, both physically and mentally, they are not the worst. That  
is reserved for the little horizontal lines of tissue across my wrists. Those   
two little scars are my constant reminders of my worst tragedy and the catalyst  
for my last nightmare.  
  
The nightmare is still fresh in my mind that I can still hear the mocking  
laughter of people in my mind. All I could do was run in the darkness trying  
to escape the laughs of those that I had hurt in my life. But I wasn't running  
from them, but myself as the life that I had created crumbled to nothing but   
dust. I remember the horror of tripping over something in the darkness and   
landing in something wet. I'm sure Shinji heard my screams from what I saw in   
my mind's eye, but I never felt his comforting touch and that made it worse.   
The liquid turned out to be dirty brown water as the darkness lifted just enough  
to see what I had tripped over, a bloody knife laying on the floor. I hadn't  
wanted to lift my eyes, as I already knew what I would find. One pale arm rested  
over the edge of the tub, blood dripping onto the floor while the other turned  
the water red. I can feel my tears increase as I remember the smile on my face  
as I thought I had finally found peace by dying. But that wasn't the parting  
shot as my mind shouted out like mother, like daughter.  
  
- -  
  
Why can't I be happy!  
  
I'm not sure if I shouted that or if it was just in my mind, but suddenly  
it seemed like the nightmares made sense. But I didn't have time to ponder on  
them as the feeling of blanket registered on my body. Looking up from the floor  
I can see Shinji kneeling next to me, worry on his face as I sat up. Lifting  
my hand I rested it on his cheek that was wet with his tears. I feel myself  
being pulled deeper into his dark blue eyes, just like how he gets lost in   
mine. It's at times like these that I understand where his strength came from  
to defeat all those Angels while I failed. Maybe love and caring are two of  
the strongest emotions of us humans.  
  
Shinji is soon sitting next to me his hand rubbing my back getting the   
tension to leave me before wrapping an arm around my shoulder. My head comes to   
rest against his shoulder as I wrap the blanket around him, not caring about   
the display of my body to his eyes. As with so many things that I learned   
during Third Impact, I know Shinji will not take advantage of me or treat me   
like an object. It is not that he doesn't have certain urges, I also have those   
urges, but because he sees it as demeaning me as a person. Yet even as I know   
the answer, I can't but help asking that question.  
  
"Am I beautiful?"  
  
He is turning a nice shade of pink from that question but I grab his head  
gently in my hands. With slight force I make him look at me, all of me from  
the grey scars to my unblemished skin. I tremble as he reaches out with one   
hand, tracing the scar over my shoulder and then down to my breast before   
stopping. I don't want to think that now all he sees is an object and as I lift   
my hand wanting to remove his, I see his eyes. They are filled with pain   
and at the same time caring as he gazes back at me. My hand grips his arm   
firmly as I realize that his touch is not lewd or demeaning. He is simply   
resting his hand over my heart, feeling the beat as it picks up.  
  
"Of course you are Asuka." He tries to lift his hand from my chest but I  
keep it there. He gives me a sad smile. "I wish I could do more for you. You  
shouldn't be sad on your birthday."  
  
- -  
  
My birthday, of course it's that time of the year that haunts me the most.  
  
I've never really been happy or even enjoyed the day of my birth, instead  
treating it like any other day of the year. The house is quite warm with the  
fire in the fireplace, but I find myself wrapped in another blanket watching   
the dancing flames. After a sunny morning the day had turned grey and cold,  
with a storm blowing in from the sea. How typical of Mother Nature to match  
my mood perfectly to this day. I can't even remember if any of my birthdays  
had ever been sunny and cheerful. Ignoring the pain, I try to bury my chin  
even further into my knees as I grip my legs tighter.   
  
But today was different with just the two of us celebrating in the small  
house. The storm had given us enough warning to get what we needed and batten  
down the hatches sort to say. We had spent the whole day together teaching   
each other things that the other hadn't known. Shinji still has trouble getting  
some of the more complex German words to roll smoothly. Even though that was  
funny I know he had laughed at me as he tried to get me to learn how to sew.   
With the amount of clothes in nearby stores I was against this idea, but he had   
to argue that it would be beneficial in the long run.   
  
It didn't stop there as he cooked dinner and flatly told me to relax, and  
let him do everything. The pork roast was a nice meal compared to the typical   
venison, fowl or fish that we usually eat. A steak would have been better but   
we don't know where the cattle farms are located. I had practically gorged   
myself on the meal at Shinji's insistence, joking that he wanted to make me  
fat. All he had done was smile, before getting up to go back into the kitchen  
for one more item. I should have known that he would return with a cake,   
though I wonder where he got all the fresh ingredients to make it.  
  
"Hey." I look up to see him next to me. "You okay?"   
  
"Yeah."  
  
I tentatively reach up and grab his hand, intertwining my fingers with his  
before pulling him to the floor. Like earlier we end up in the same position  
with his arm around my shoulder and the blanket around both of us. The   
difference is I have my arm around his midsection, and I can't help but admit   
that it feels nice to feel him next to me. I've had all day to think of what my   
nightmares mean about my future with Shinji, and myself. They have to be put to   
rest or they will haunt me for the rest of my life, always reminding me of how   
painful getting close to someone can be. I realize that I have to accept both   
the sorrow that comes with comfort.  
  
"Thanks for the present." A large tablet lies on the floor in front of us.  
Inside are a lot of pictures of our friends and the two of us from before  
Third Impact. But probably the best items in the book are Shinji's sketches. I  
don't know when he started, but I can follow as he improves with each new sketch  
of either local scenery or me. That had surprised me even more than learning   
that he could draw and I wonder how he had hidden himself from view for some  
of the drawings.   
  
"You're welcome." I feel him shift uncomfortably. "How are your dreams?"  
  
"Nightmares, not dreams." I stare at the flickering flames for a moment  
before continuing. "Not good." I wish I knew how to be subtle with some issues,  
but I've always tackled things head on. "I need to talk about them and what  
they mean. You need to know everything or at least just listen to what I have  
to say."  
  
"But--" He tries to interrupt.  
  
"Just knowing something is different from being told about it."  
  
His hand grips mine tighter, "You have to tell me to release the pain,   
right?"  
  
"Yes, and I don't even know where to start." I hang my head, "I guess the  
best would be from the very beginning." I suck in a deep breath, hold it before   
releasing it slowly.  
  
I can feel the memories surface in my mind, like doors that had been sealed  
being opened. It felt like how the 15th had raped me last year, painful.  
Yet I don't stop as I tell him how my family had started drifting apart while  
I was still a little girl. About the times when my mother would spend all day   
and night at the lab, never calling. Or how my father on those nights would be  
gone from the house and those absences soon turned into weeks. I must have  
shivered as I told him of how I would sit in a dark room waiting for my parents  
to come home and having to go to sleep alone, because he tightened his hold on  
me. Or how I had to become self-sufficient to do things by myself, instead of  
relying on others.  
  
But that is just the beginning of my tale as I brush a strand of hair over  
my ear. I want to cry as I tell of how I had lost my mama to the EVA and a   
lifeless doll. Of how I would sit in the room hoping that she would remember  
me, talk to me like she did before the bad times. The tears are coming as I   
tell of being chosen as a pilot, ironic now that I know the truth, and how I  
knew this would bring me back into my mother's arms. My tale slows but doesn't  
stop as I tell Shinji how I had burst into the room to tell my mother the   
news, only to find her hanging from the ceiling. How could I explain that the   
moment will forever be etched in my mind and on my heart? The moment where I   
had lost someone that had loved me, and soon seeing my father marry his   
mistress.  
  
"Asuka, you--"  
  
"It was at that time I vowed never to cry, never to ask for help."  
  
My voice never threatens to crack instead going flat and neutral. I can   
barely continue about how my stepmother never cared about me, seeing a child  
that was too mature, while my father never cared what happened to me. EVA and  
school became my sole focus in life, never to be forgotten, but to be   
remembered as the best. I tell him how I raced through school, the different  
levels and never pausing to enjoy life. My mind is completely blank of any  
friends or close colleagues during those times, except for Misato and Kaji.  
Even in college I never made any friends, always being alone in my world saying  
I didn't need others. How stupid I was at that time in my life.  
  
"But I had Kaji to turn my attentions on."  
  
I prided myself on being so smart and perceptive of the world that I never  
realized that I was deluding myself. I should have known that it was only a   
crush, that he would never see me in a romantic way and never as a possible   
lover. Oh I'm sure he loved me in some way, like a little sister or even a   
daughter. In the back of my mind, I knew that I never had a chance with him,   
especially when we came to Japan and Misato. I guess that even people that want   
to be alone in the world, to escape the pain of living still want some human   
contact. I told Shinji of how much it hurt to see Kaji in Misato's arms or   
vice versa, totally ignoring me. The rejection was final by the 12th Angel and   
I knew that I was alone in the world.  
  
"But I really didn't care as I had Angels to defeat."  
  
The bitterness in my voice is very plain and clear to Shinji but he never  
draws back. My whole life I had trained to pilot EVA and then defeat the Angels  
when called upon. Seven years of training, of devotion and what happens? I  
defeat one Angel on my own, all the others killed by Shinji or as a team. I try  
to keep the hate out of my voice as I tell of what it felt like to lose, to go  
from being the best to the worst. It doesn't matter that I know my fall was   
all part of plan for Instrumentality. At that time it destroyed me to go from a   
pampered, okay arrogant, girl to an empty shell of a person who could not   
accept her own humanity. I try to describe how much it hurt as I found myself   
being pushed to the limits.  
  
I hold out my arms, the light illuminating the scars across my wrists. "I   
wanted to die, thinking that I was unworthy of living in a world where I   
was useless. These are my reminders of what it meant to be alone in the world,  
never knowing comfort." My voice finally breaks, "But I don't want to be alone  
in the world anymore! Since I've met you, since we woke up on that beach, I  
don't have to compete against you. I don't have to prove anything anymore." I  
cover my eyes as I cry. "I'm tired of being alone Shinji and not because you  
are the only male on the planet. My nightmares are a link to my past of not  
needing anyone." My breath comes in gasps as I plunge ahead. "What I'm trying  
to say is I need you! I want to know what love is with you."  
  
The room is quiet as I again wrap my arms around my legs. Shinji doesn't  
say or do anything and I can't help but grow worried. But my worrying is for   
nothing as he moves around so he is in front of me. I reach out for his   
offered hands and he holds them softly. Soon we're both kneeling on the thick  
rug, our faces inches apart. His face shows his nervousness and hope as he  
smiles happily.  
  
"I need you too, Asuka." He draws closer, "I want to learn to love you."  
  
I'm crying again, I no longer hate crying, as I close the remaining distance   
with Shinji, our lips coming into contact. This kiss is so different from our   
first one back in Misato's apartment, neither of us is thinking about the past.   
As we continue to kiss I know that this moment will be one of many happy   
memories. I try to hide my disappointment as Shinji draws back, breaking the   
soft contact. I push him to the floor and pull the blanket over us.  
  
"Now we can truly concentrate on the future." Shinji only smiles and pulls   
me closer.   
  
I can only think of what the future has planned for us as I slowly drift  
off to sleep. My past will no longer haunt me as long as we're together.  
  
* * * *  
  
Sappy isn't it? Orginally I planned on having something out on Asuka's  
birthday. Yes I'm an Asuka-phile. But as everyone should know by now reality   
has this habit of screwing up schedules.  
  
Anyway this part of the story is completely different from the first part.  
I'm not calling them chapters because there is not a storyline connecting them.  
As this progresses it will be more of a snapshot of their lives after Third  
Impact and how they are changing. In the first part Shinji had to decide if  
he truly hated Asuka and if he could ever forgive her. This part had Asuka's  
past, the nightmare, controlling her and dictating how she would be in   
the future. The next parts will concentrate on love, followed by families.   
You'll have to wait and see if anyone returns from the sea of LCL.  
  
C&C welcome at  
  
eva_pilot9@secondimpact.com  
eva_pilot9@doramail.com 


	3. Fear Resolved

Started on February 25, 2002 and finished on March 11, 2002.   
  
Reflections Part 3:  
Fear resolved  
  
Red Horseman  
  
* * * *  
  
Shouldn't I be happy about this?  
  
I keep asking myself that same question over and over again hoping that I  
will answer in the positive. But all I can feel is scared, a fear that has  
been a part of me for so long that it has seeped into my bones. If this world  
was normal there would have been many girls and women that would be happy to  
be in my position. Yet who am I fooling with this nonsense? This world is   
barren, empty of all human life except for me and Shinji. And since there are  
no other females to take my place I will have to face this on my own and   
conquer my fears like everything else I have done since waking up. But I'm   
still scared and I don't think it will disappear anytime soon. I mean who  
would have thought that me, Asuka Langley Soryu, would ever become pregnant.  
  
Yes, pregnant.  
  
I mean this is me after all, the girl who didn't like boys and most   
definitely didn't want to have children. But things change over time and I fell  
in love with Shinji in the two years since meeting him despite my recent   
promise after Third Impact to take it slow. I just couldn't help falling for   
him, even if he is the only other person around, after being alone for so many   
years. I knew ever since Instrumentality that it was only a matter of time   
before we started a true relationship. Still I didn't expect the sex to happen   
for a few years, and I most definitely was going to wait longer before having   
children. Maybe it is the maternal instinct in us females to want to have   
children or something like that, which made me break those particular promises   
so soon. I will never know and I am not going to dwell on it.   
  
Even though I'm scared about what is growing inside of me I can smile at what  
has happened to me. After all pregnancy is one of the normal outcomes when a   
male and female have sex, though most people plan ahead so they don't have to   
worry about such things. But I didn't have time to plan ahead for my joining   
with Shinji nor did we have they conveniences of birth control. Our first time   
was very spontaneous, but also filled with so much love and caring that I never  
thought about what could happen later. And I would not change a single thing   
about that night, even if I had the chance.   
  
"Idiot."  
  
At the sound of my voice I look up into the mirror of our bedroom, hoping  
to see happiness within my eyes. But the eyes that captivate Shinji are not  
shining with happiness, not even with fright. They stare blankly back at my  
face waiting for me to do something, scaring me, as I want to try and be happy.   
Smiling faintly I turn to the the side and look at my nude body, ignoring the   
scars, and try to envision what I will look like in a few months as the baby   
grows. Despite me being a little vain about my body I'm not going to go crazy   
over getting fat. It is part of the pregnancy for my body to get bigger and I   
will accept that, I hope.   
  
As I pull on a dress that I made by hand I do know that I am wrong about  
one thing with my pregnancy. I'm not alone in my ordeal, but have Shinji  
here to be a support for me. While he does not have any of the expertise or   
knowledge about childbearing or birth that doctors or even parents would have   
he is here for me. But the thing that matters most is that we will be in the   
same boat until our child is born and as it grows up. We will both be scared  
that somehow we will turn out like our parents, and that is my greatest  
fear. That somehow I will put my child into the exact same childhood that  
I was forced into.  
  
"That won't happen," I mutter as I finish dressing and prepare to leave  
our house to tell Shinji.  
  
Stepping out onto the porch I stop and stare out across our home as fields  
join with forested hills that reach up to the blue sky. My fear is slowly  
being pushed away as the calmness and peace of the world works its magic on  
me. I'm truly happy now with few worries, not including the most recent  
worry, to cloud my days. The nightmares that had haunted both of us for over  
a year and half rarely come anymore and when they do we know that we are not   
alone. I have found love, something that I had never thought I would find or   
would want to find. It is the same for Shinji as each time I wake up in the   
morning I always find him staring at my face and reaffirming that this is no  
dream.   
  
"Too bad it took the end of the world for us to find happiness," I sigh  
before stepping out onto the stone path, barefooted, and start towards the  
edge of our home.  
  
The cool stones and that thought erase the peace that I had felt just   
moments ago. I slow my pace, tracing my feet over the round stones, thinking  
about Instrumentality. We had both decided for our own reasons to reject that  
false dream and accept life. Shinji once told me something that Kaji had told  
him before disappearing, that without pain you can't find happiness. But I  
realize that sometimes the pain can be so unbearable that people will accept  
a false happiness just to escape. I just wish at times that some people would  
return to this life, to accept the pain yet also find happiness because I  
can still see the guilt in Shinji's eyes. No matter how much I tell him that  
it was their choice I can see the pain from time to time, and I hate it,   
knowing I can't do anything except comfort him.  
  
The sound of an ax splitting wood tells me where Shinji is, and I start down  
another pathway towards a shed. I sit down on the cool grass, stretching my  
legs out in front of me, and watch the young man who loves me. His frame is  
no longer the scrawny weak body of the past but well muscled and tanned from  
all the work he does. Me on the other have kept my body the same, strong  
enough not to be weak, but no mass of muscle or calluses. The hot spring is  
my favorite place to relax and I enjoy it even more since that is where we  
had started on our night.  
  
I start as a cold nose presses against my neck, "Hello Yume."  
  
The chestnut mare lowers her head to allow me to reach her ears, whickering  
in enjoyment as I find the right place. Off in the distance I can see Kenshin,  
a dark brown stallion we had found a couple months ago with Yume on one of  
our long explorations. They love to be rode and at least once a week we try   
to go for a ride up into the local hills and mountains to get away from all   
the work. Yume lifts her head and snorts, and I know Shinji is close, so I   
release her and turn back around. Only to find Shinji already sitting next to   
me with sweat rolling down his face.  
  
"Why the long face?" He asks as he reaches out to me.  
  
"Just thinking?"  
  
"I thought that was my job to do all the worrying and deep introspection."  
Shinji jokes smiling slightly before going serious at my scowl. "So what were  
you thinking about?"  
  
This one thing that I love about Shinji, his ability to just shut up and  
listen to anything I say, which he does now. "Third Impact and Instrumentality.   
I wish that people would start returning, especially Hikari. Hell I'd take even   
the other Stooges for company." At his scowl I reach up and cup his chin. "Don't  
worry I still love you, I just get lonely at times. Is that wrong?"   
  
"No, there's nothing wrong with that." His eyes go distant, like he was  
seeing something in the past. "I guess mother was wrong when she said people  
could return if they had the will." Shinji smiles saddly and turns back to   
me. "But then it hasn't even been two years so it still could happen."   
  
"Yeah, I guess you're right." I take the hand that is offered to me and  
get to my feet.  
  
Shinji slowly walks over to Yume and picks up one of her hooves checking  
for any packing. One of the things we don't have a shortage of is books in   
the house. We have everything from farming to animals to how to do minor   
repairs in the house. I hide my grin by walking to the other side of the mare  
while stroking her flank as our collection will soon grow by another subject.  
My grin disappears as I realize that less then an hour ago I was so worried  
and now I am happy about my condition, it doesn't seem right. As I reach  
Yume's neck I can't help but jump as Shinji is waiting and staring at my  
face.  
  
"What else is wrong Asuka?"  
  
I quickly turn around to hide my face. "Nothing." Two arms wrap around my  
waist, holding me gently as their owner waited patiently. "You should go  
take a quick bath, you stink Shinji."  
  
"Asuka."   
  
I wince at the sound of that voice. The voice that I taught him when I   
knew he was trying to avoid a subject and didn't want any bullshit. I see now   
that he was too good of student. With his arms still around me I awkwardly   
sink to the ground again and Shinji follows my example. Swallowing I disengage   
his hands and turn around so we are facing each other and can't hide. Reaching   
out I hold his hands in mine and prepare to tell him.  
  
"I'm late." I wince as I say that. I guess this is going to be harder than  
I thought.  
  
"Late? Late for what, Asuka?" The look on his face is one of puzzlement.  
  
I feel my face heat up at my answer. "My period, it's a week late."  
  
"Um." Shinji's face turns bright red and I would have laughed under   
different circumstances. "Can't that happen in rare circumstances?"  
  
"Sometimes, but that's not all. I also missed last month's." Now his look is   
priceless, but I don't stop. "So you know what that means.  
  
He nods his head slowly, his face pale and his body shaking lightly, just   
before he falls over backward. Sighing I lean over him, slapping his cheeks   
until I get a response. Slowly Shinji takes a deep breath, calming himself and   
looks me in the eyes. "You're pregnant."  
  
"Yes, more than likely."  
  
Shinji lowers his head and examines the ground he is sitting on. I feel my  
heart race and fear start to well up inside of me as I contemplate what that  
means. Have I been wrong about how much Shinji loves me? Will he return to   
his old indecisive self at a time when I will need him most? I don't want  
that Shinji but the Shinji that I hae come to love since Third Impact. As my  
thoughts start to gather speed and build Shinji looks up and smiles.  
  
"Well, you sure are reacting differently then I thought you would be."  
  
All my previous thoughts come to a crashing halt. "What?"  
  
"I thought that if you ever got pregnant you wouldn't be so calm," he  
states. "I expected you to come after me yelling and screaming while trying  
to do physical harm. Yet here you are calmly telling me that we're to expect  
a child in a few months. I'm trying to figure out what is more surprising."  
  
"Ha, ha Shinji. You're the one that just fell over so I think I can say that   
I'm handling this quite well, thank you very much." I run my fingers through my   
hair trying to prove my words correct. "And about what you just said, I mean   
what would be the point of me getting hysterical? I would get a sore throat,   
you'd have bruises and our relationship would suffer." I move next to him,   
still holding his hand. "And it would change -nothing- since I would still be   
pregnant. I can't exactly get an abortion." He stiffens at that comment. "I'm   
sorry I shouldn't have said that."  
  
He merely shakes his head. "So aren't you scared? I know I am."  
  
"So is that why you fainted just now?"  
  
"A little." Shinji admits. "I'm sure most guys wouldn't have fainted at the   
news, but you've told me before I'm not like most guys. It is surprising and I   
am happy, I think, but."  
  
I dig my nails into his arm and glare at him. "Don't even finish that   
sentence if all you're going to say is that you're afraid of being like your   
father."   
  
"But." He grits his teeth as my nails dig deeper.  
  
"How many times in the past year have I told you, over and over, that you   
are nothing like that man? You are caring, patient, loving, and responsible,   
completely unlike him." I relax my grip on his arm. "I know you Shinji inside   
and out just like you know me. You know my fears about having children yet here   
I am accepting the truth. I know that no matter what happens, you won't hurt me   
or leave your child." I lean in closer until our noses almost touch. "So get rid  
of that silly notion that you're like your father. Most importantly is I need   
you, is that clear?"  
  
"Yes, but can't I still be scared and think the worst?"   
  
"Of course you can, but remember that you're not the only one that is   
scared." My determination suddenly fails and I feel my body tremble. "I have   
this fear that I will hurt my child just like I was hurt." My voice starts to   
crack as I go on. "I don't want to hurt it. I want it to know what it's like to  
have a family and know love."  
  
This time both of Shinji's arms wrap around my shoulders drawing me close. I   
rest my head against his chest and cry a little as I finally put words to the   
fear. It both amazes and scares me how calm we both are right at the moment   
like it's a dream. How can we be so calm knowing that a child is growing in my   
womb, to be born into a world where the only other people it will know are its   
parents? It's cruel for us to do that but maybe, just maybe, we won't be alone   
in a few years.  
  
- - - -  
  
The sky is blood red as I race alone along a single blank strip of concrete  
or that is what it seems to. I increase my pace hoping to get away as another  
shadow appears off to my right side. I've been trying forever to get away   
from whatever is chasing me, I can't tell what it is as the shadow is just a   
blob. But I know that what is creating that shadow fills my entire being with   
fear. The sweat that is coating my body feels like ice as a low wail comes  
from behind me, it sounds like crying or pleading, but I still don't stop. A  
smile forms when a house appears in the distance, the first object to appear  
since this race began.  
  
Whatever is chasing me gains as I pause to open the door, the shadow taking  
on a humanoid shape. Slamming the door shut I race up the stairs, taking two   
at a time, never stopping to think to just go straight through the house. As I   
reach the end of the stairs the front door opens and shuts, and again the  
thing wails, but this time it sounds like a child crying and pleading for me  
to stop. Ignoring its pleas I race to the only door, opening and shutting it  
as fast possible before leaning against it to catch my breath. That breath  
disappears in a scream as I look up at the sound of movement in the room.  
  
My heart somehow picks up its pace, threatening to burst, as I grip my throat   
in horror and can only stare at what I see before me. I can't seem to stop   
myself from moving as I take one shaky step after another and approach the body   
hanging from the ceiling. The face is hidden beneath long hair and the light   
from outside distorts its hair color from black to red. Fluid drips to the   
floor making the scene even worse as I reach out to brush the hair out of its   
face. I already know whose face will be staring at me, but I don't stop trying   
to uncover it.  
  
"Mama, please don't leave me. Don't die, I need you."  
  
The little girl's voice is so sad and full of pain that I can't help but  
look back. In the door stands a little girl of about five years of age staring  
at me with wide sad eyes. Anger wells up in me as I know that little girl is  
me and I can't help but feel mad at what she will become. I pause as I start  
to turn around, something about the girl catches my attention. Something is  
not right with this nightmare. As the girl approaches us I see that she wears  
a blue dress that looks homemade, and she is not carrying a stuffed animal.   
Her hands are so small as she reaches out to me, as if she is asking me to   
pick her up and hold her. Kneeling I take her into my arms like Shinji has  
done to me so many and run my hand through her brown hair.  
  
Brown hair?  
  
I pull back to confirm that the girl does have brown hair, which she does.  
Blue eyes are filled with tears as I release her and stand back up, trembling.  
Slowly I reach up to the body that has been swinging quietly behind us as we   
held each other. My heart is in my throat as I reach up and brush away long   
soft hair to be confronted by my face with its mocking smile. I fall to the   
floor in a pile, crying in denial at what I have just seen. Through my tears I   
see the little girl staring up at me as I repeat my mother's final act for my   
daughter.  
  
"No, no, no! This can't be happening to me! I'm not like her." But my   
denials do nothing except send pains through my body.  
  
"Ow!" Slowly my eyes come into focus and concentrate on the ceiling above   
our bed. "A dream, a stupid dream." I receive another sensation to my   
abdomen in agreement.   
  
Smiling I reach down and rub my rounded stomach hoping to calm my child  
from my misery. My nightclothes are soaked with sweat and I'm still shaking   
as the nightmare is still fresh in my mind. Slowly I remove Shinji's arms  
from around my shoulders and throw off the covers before coming to my feet.  
I rest for a few moments as the neccessary pains race through my body, a   
groan escaping my lips. Gently I pull on a robe in order not to jostle my  
child or make any noise to wake Shinji. Whimpers escape the mouths of our two   
recent additions to our pet family as Oni and Tenshi, two large black Labradors,  
pad along behind me.  
  
My head throbs from the recent nightmare as I make my way towards the porch  
and the cool night air. Shivering in the cool air I go and sit down on the  
bench that we had built months ago. Staring out across the land, illuminated  
by just the stars I try to understand the dream. I don't understand why my  
subconsciuos continues to torment me with my mother's death. It's not like  
I will go insane from an experiment, there are no EVAs anymore. Even trauma  
to my head is not likely as my daredevil nature has become cautionary with  
me taking fewer risks. Drugs or chemical imbalances are also highly unlikely  
as neither of us don't even dare take aspirin. Now that I think about it   
maybe we should look into some kind of pain reliever, childbirth is going to  
hurt. But still I don't know why I'm being tormented since my situation is  
different from my mother's.  
  
"Shhh, it's all right," I murmur as our child kicks me again. Standing I  
walk over to the railing, while rubbing my stomach. "It was just a stupid  
dream. You'll come to realize that dreams rarely ever represent reality. I'll  
never hurt you, I promise." My voice and touch work miracles as the baby   
calms, the kicking dying away.  
  
"You know they say that talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity."  
  
I turn around to see Shinji standing in the doorway and give him my best  
scowl. He simply returns it with a smile and walks to where I am standing  
with an oil lamp in one hand. I return to the landscape as Shinji carefully  
sets the lamp down, and pets the dogs before standing behind me, wrapping a   
blanket around my shoulders. He is soon stroking my stomach as his body becomes   
a security blanket around me, protecting me as much as he can. I cover his hands  
with my own and listen to his breathing as his head rests on my shoulder.  
  
"Do you think all mothers love their children? Or do you think that some  
might even." My question stops Shinji nuzzles my neck.  
  
"Your mother loved you Asuka, I'm sure of that." His voice is so soft and  
gentle. "Never think differently or you'll always be tormented and then our  
child will think that you don't love her."  
  
"But."  
  
"But nothing Asuka. You love your child just like your mother loved you.  
Nothing will change that." His hands lower themselves to my waist.  
  
"I'm just scared Shinji. I don't want to ever hurt my child like was hurt."  
I can't help but shudder. "And these stupid dreams always come at the wrong  
time, making me doubt my love."  
  
"Dreams are dreams, not reality." I can feel his smile as he repeats my  
words. "We've survived horrible childhoods, piloting EVAs, and fighting   
Angels. We've even survived the end of the world so what's parenthood  
compared to that?" Our hands come together and I grip his hand tightly. "Most  
importantly we have survived each other's faults. In three months you'll give   
birth to a handsome son and our pasts will finally be put to rest."  
  
Nodding I wait for him to pick up the lamp before starting towards the door.  
The trip up the stairs is made in silence except for the creak of couple   
boards and our breathing. Shinji waits for me to get back into our bed, even  
tucking the blankets around me. Even in my current state I still hate being  
babied by Shinji but at the same time it feels nice to have someone do those  
things for me. As he lays back down on the soft mattress I snuggle close   
against him, turning to stare at him as he blows out the lamp. I can see the  
confusion in his eyes as I smile at him.  
  
"You're wrong about one thing Shinji."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
My smile grows bigger and I place one hand on our child. "It'll be a girl,  
not a boy."  
  
"Really and why do you say that?"  
  
"A feeling."  
  
"Well I feel that it'll be a boy."  
  
I shake my head as he continues to argue with me about the sex of our   
child. The nightmare of earlier is completely forgotten as I slowly drift off  
to sleep. Shinji is right in that I do love my child, but that doesn't change  
the fact that I'm still scared. As the sounds of life fade from my ears I  
promise myself that no matter what I'll be a good mother. I owe myself and  
my mother that, to say I forgive you. I can finally say those words.  
  
I love you mama.  
  
* * * *  
  
Pre-reader was Weltall Elite.  
  
Well after three months I'm not sure if I've lost my touch for writing. This  
part is different in that there really is no problem to be overcome except   
Asuka's continuing fear of becoming her mother. Even with her proclomation,  
that fear will always be with her as Shinji and her raise their family. I can  
also hear the complaints that Asuka and Shinji took the news of her pregnancy  
too calmly but I feel that I explained it in the story. Given the current  
world what good is it for them to be all hysterical and crazy since it won't  
change a thing. All they can really do is accept the pregnancy and do their   
best to minimize any problems. Now the dream scene and the following argument   
about the sex of their child were done on purpose. Don't worry, there is a   
method to my madness and it will be explained in the next chapter  
  
  
I really need C&C since I haven't written for so long. So tell me what you  
think of this.  
  
Red Horseman eva_pilot9@doramail.com 


	4. New Beginnings

Started on March 9, 2002 and finished on March 10, 2002.  
Revised on April 8, 2002.  
  
Reflections Part 4: New Beginnings.  
  
Red Horsman  
  
* * * *  
  
Is it wrong to dwell too much on the past?  
  
As Asuka nears the end of her pregnancy I find myself dwelling on the past,   
confirming that I'm not repeating it. I remember that I used to do a lot of   
thinking before Third Impact and Instrumentality, going to my room to think of   
what had happened in the past instead of concentrating on the present or the   
future. But who could blame me with everything that had happened to me after my   
mother died. My father was normally the center of my introspection as I wondered   
if he loved me or even if he needed me in his life. That want, and that need to   
know why things had happened in the past only increased when he called me back   
into his life, only to become a tool. After Instrumentality I soon realized that   
man would have never fulfilled my questions and my need for answers, as we were   
too different to connect. The man that abandoned me on the train platform years  
ago was not the man that my mother fell in love with and who helped raise me   
for a few years. Asuka has told me many times during her pregnancy that I'm  
not like that man and I know that.  
  
But still I just don't want to throw away my past no matter how much I want to  
concentrate on my future. My past holds so many lessons, both the good and the   
bad, that I have no choice but to keep going back to it every now and then.   
Staring at Asuka as she sleeps next to a fire I know that my past will soon no   
longer be relevant to our present and future. The boy who was quiet and withdrawn  
has to be sealed away for our child's well being. Running away from reality, like  
I had done so many times in the past is no longer an option for my family or me.   
I admit that at times I have wanted to run away from the doubt and worry of   
raising a child or that I may lose Asuka. But I will not follow in my father's  
footsteps and abandon my responsibilities to Asuka and our child. Still despite   
my promises to be a pillar of strength for Asuka I continue to worry, and this   
trip does nothing to calm my fears.  
  
"Shinji."  
  
Asuka calmly looks at me from her makeshift bed as she waits for me to join   
her so we can get enough sleep before our early start. Despite the scowl on her   
face she is still the most beautiful girl I have known and at the same time the   
most confusing. I know a lot about her from the time our minds and souls joined,   
I know what her fears are and what her hopes are. But even with that knowledge   
she does things that throw me off track, or which I think are too stupid for us   
to be doing. Like this trip to Tokyo-3 with barely a month left before she gives   
birth. We should be back in our house where she can be comfortable and I don't   
have to worry that much about preparations or mistakes. But I can't deny her   
anything, even after we argue about it for days.   
  
"You coming to bed or do you want to freeze." Her voice is impatient, yet   
she isn't commanding me.  
  
"Sorry."   
  
Before she can complain about that one word I slip quickly between the   
blankets and sleeping bags that make up our temporary bed. Our lips easily meet  
in soft kiss like they have done over the past year. Gently I place one hand   
on her rounded abdomen and stroke it and the child in her womb. When I do that  
simple gesture many of my fears of repeating my father's mistakes disappear   
and the only thing I can think about are the two most important people in the  
world.  
  
"There's nothing to worry about Shinji," comments Asuka after we break the  
kiss. "We can still make it back before I pop."  
  
Propping myself up on one elbow I stare at her back lit by the fire. "That  
is just it Asuka. We don't know how accurate your calculations are. You could  
be a week off, which means that." I stop as a soft hand rests against my  
cheek.  
  
"Stop worrying Shinji, please." I hate it when she takes a pleading tone  
with me as I feel like crap when she does. "I recalculated three times and I   
had been keeping track of my period before I got pregnant." She places a finger  
against my lips stopping my rebuttal. "Get some sleep. There isn't much we can   
gain by arguing, when it's time I'll give birth and nothing can stop it."  
  
"Can't I still worry?"  
  
"Not when it annoys me." With that Asuka pulls the blankets up around us.  
  
Quietly I admit defeat and lean back, resting my head on one of my arms to  
study the night sky. Despite her tough exterior I know that there is a scared   
young woman who is trying to convince not only me, but herself as well that   
things will turn out okay. When Asuka lets the scared girl out it is the   
saddest sight, even more so since I know her past and what she had gone through  
as a little girl. At those times I feel my past slipping further away as I   
reaffirm my promise never to run away again, but most importantly I promised  
to love her no matter what happens and that is one promise I will never break.  
It is with that thought that I finally close my eyes and let sleep overcome  
me.  
  
- - - -  
  
"Well for someone that was against this trip, you sure look better."  
  
I tear my gaze from the ruins of Tokyo-3 on either side of us, and silently   
turn to look at Asuka as she stops Yume next to me. She is riding sidesaddle to   
minimize the pressure on her stomach as much as possible. Dismounting I make my   
way to her side, and reach up to support her as she carefully gets out of the   
saddle. With barely a nod of her head Asuka acknowledges my help and takes a   
moment to stretch out the kinks of a four-hour ride. Her face has this look of   
surprise on it, and she wraps her arms around her midsection.  
  
"What's wrong?" I ignore the worry in my voice and simply hold Asuka.  
  
She doesn't answer me for a few moments. "It's nothing, just some sensation   
that I haven't felt before." She weakly smiles at me before straightening. "Don't   
worry."  
  
"No. I will worry if that's all right."   
  
"Fine." With that she pushes me off of her and stalks away with Tenshi   
following her.   
  
Running my fingers through my hair I sigh in frustration before grabbing  
the reins of both horses and start after Asuka. She is easy to follow in her  
yellow dress and how slowly works her way trough the debris and rubble of   
fallen houses. My worry and frustration slowly disappear as we make our way to  
the other side of the ruined city towards a special place. Two hours later  
we finally approach the obsidian markers of the cemetery, the only area that  
was not devastated by Third Impact. Tethering the horses Asuka and I slowly  
make our way towards a recent row of crudely made markers.  
  
"Now you know why I had to come Shinji." Asuka's voice is a whisper as   
she leans on one of the markers.  
  
Reading the name and date on the marker I suddenly understand Asuka's   
motivation for traveling in her condition. "I'm sorry, but I forgot."  
  
She sadly shakes her head. "It's not your fault. After all Hikari was my  
best friend, it's just natural for me to remember."  
  
Slowly I wrap my arms around Asuka, feeling a tear land on my arm as she  
trembles. I feel bad that I had forgotten that Hikari's birthday was today,  
but I feel that she would have forgiven me. Hikari would probably have chewed  
me out; first for getting Asuka pregnant, and second for allowing her to travel  
in her condition. The health of Asuka would have been more important to the  
class representative than Asuka coming to her grave, but for Asuka it's the  
other way around. It was Hikari's selflessness in helping others and being  
nonjudgmental that lead her to become Asuka's best friend, and I know it had   
a profound impact on Asuka. Friends were a rare commodity for Asuka back then  
and she cherished that friendship with Hikari.  
  
"Can you give me some time alone Shinji?"  
  
"Okay." I remove my arms from around her and start down the row.  
  
I understand why Asuka wants to be alone at Hikari's grave at a time like   
this. She is feeling alone and scared despite my presence because there are  
things that she can not talk to me about, even though Asuka knows there will  
be no response it will help. And it pains me to know that there are certain   
things I have not told her because she wouldn't have understood my feelings   
or emotions. There is no Kaji in this world to go to when I want help or   
guidance on some subjects. Yet I think that Kaji would have reminded me to my   
own decisions and accept the outcome of those decisions. But I don't think   
that even Kaji could have envisioned the loneliness and solitude of being the   
only humans alive. How not being able to talk to others beside that one other   
person can be taxing, no matter how much they love each other.  
  
Blinking my eyes I leave my thoughts behind for a moment as my knees connect  
with hard stone. Smiling faintly I read the headstone that my feet have carried  
me to while my brain was occupied. Turning my head I can see the silhouette of   
Asuka up on a nearby hill still at Hikari's grave. I wonder what mother would  
think of Asuka, whether she would approve of the person I love. Would she   
accept all of Asuka's faults and try to understand her instead of pitying her?  
What would she tell Asuka of motherhood, of love, and life itself? Sadly I   
can't imagine any of those answers, yet I feel that mother would have   
accepted Asuka. My father's reaction I don't even want to imagine, that   
somehow he would have turned it to his advantage and used us. He would probably  
tell us that we were using each other for support.  
  
"But isn't that love?" I ask the black stone. "To be there for each other  
when others can't or won't be there for support."  
  
The stone silently stands there, unable to answer my question and I turn  
around angrily. It is only because of that turn that I see Asuka sink to   
her knees, clutching her abdomen. In shock I stand here for a moment before   
racing through the rows of grave markers to reach her side. She is breathing  
hard with one hand on Hikari's marker and the other on the ground. I realize  
what those sensations must be as I carefully help her to her feet. My frown   
disappears as I see the pain in Asuka's eyes and the worry kicks in.  
  
"Why did you lie to me?"  
  
She tries to scowl but sighs instead. "Because I had to talk to Hikari,  
okay." My response dies as she gently grips my hand. "Would you believe that  
I'm just as surprised as you?"  
  
"Labor is nothing to joke about Asuka."  
  
"I know but." She stops and stares at the ground.  
  
Her shoulders tremble as I rub them slowly. "This isn't just about you or  
us anymore. We have to think about our child now.  
  
"I'm sorry Shinji. It's just that I wanted to talk to Hikari." This time her   
voice cracks. "You don't know how hard this is for me."  
  
Wrapping an arm around her we slowly walk back to where the horses wait. I   
don't say a word as anything I would say could be taken the wrong way. Instead  
I choose to be a silent presence as we make our way out of the cemetery and   
towards one of our caches of supplies. Asuka doesn't need me to be angry with  
her over something like coming to Hikari's grave, she needs me to be around her  
and giving her as much love and care as I can. She is right in that I can't   
understand what she is going through or what will be happening soon. All I hope  
to do is to be as helpful and supportive as possible.  
  
- - - -  
  
I feel like shit as my words from days ago mock me.   
  
Not since the Fifteenth Angel have I ever felt so useless and helpless in my  
relationship with Asuka. All I have been able to do for the last hours is make   
sure Asuka is as comfortable as possible while she has her contractions. Sitting   
on the bed next to her I wipe the sweat from her face as another contraction   
slowly dies away. The pains that she had felt when we had visited the cemetery   
four days ago had been false birthing signs, and had been scary enough. It wasn't   
until mid-morning today that the real contractions had begun and slowly grew   
closer and closer together over eight hours. I jump slightly as a hand grabs mine  
and squeezes lightly, causing me to look down into Asuka's eyes.  
  
"Water, please."   
  
It was her only request as she closed her eyes again and relaxed on the bed  
waiting for the next wave of pain. Slowly I disengage my hand from hers and make  
my way to the kitchen for a bottle of water. It's only when I look out the   
window that I see Yume's ears are laid back against her head and her nostrils  
are flared as she looks down a trail. Swallowing I grab the bottle of water  
and race back to where Asuka is lying and where our packs are located. Setting  
the bottle down I move to my pack and pull out one of our two revolvers with  
homemade gunpowder. Standing I slip on my dark jacket over my white shirt and  
give Asuka one last glance.  
  
"Tenshi." The Labrador gets up at my call. Kneeling down I look into her  
eyes. "Guard Asuka."  
  
The dog cocks her head at my command before padding into the room and sits  
at Asuka's side. Slapping my leg gets Oni's attention and he is at my side in a   
few quick steps. Opening the door I let him slip out first before following him  
out into the dying sunlight. We don't want any kinds of problems at the moment   
but ignoring the warnings could be dangerous. We've seen feral dogs roaming in   
packs and have had to shoot them for protection, but this time is different.   
Asuka needs me at her side but the horses have to be protected. I move around   
the corner, with my heart in my throat, towards Kenshin who is pawing at the   
ground. As I grab his tether a black blur streaks past me as Oni has scented   
something in the woods.  
  
"Oni!" I yell but he doesn't stop at my call.  
  
I don't dare move as the silence stretches on after Oni disappeared into the  
brush. My heart almosts stops as a scream comes from out in the woods, a very  
human scream. Glancing back at the house I decide that Asuka has Tenshi for   
protection and I make my way towards the brush following Oni's tracks in the  
soft dirt. After about fifty meters I find myself stepping into a small clearing  
with Oni in the middle. His teeth are bared and his hackles are raised as he   
paces back and forth, growling. I sink to my knees in shock as I see what has  
gotten his attention. A group of five adults, that are trying to figure out   
which of us was more dangerous, are gathered around a smaller group of children.  
  
  
"Oni, come here!" I have to repeat the command a couple of times before he  
comes and sits at my side.   
  
Wrapping my arms around him I stare at the group waiting for someone to move.  
My anger grows as nothing happens in the group for a few minutes. I have other   
things to deal with at the moment like Asuka who has been alone for five minutes.  
Standing up I place the revolver back in its holster and grab Oni's collar before  
turning around. It's a dangerous thing to do but one of us has to show trust and  
at the moment it will have to be me. Slowly I walk towards the edge of the  
clearing in the direction of the house, ignoring the sounds behind me. The sun  
is sinking behind the mountains as I enter through the door and make my way   
towards Asuka.  
  
"Where have you been?" She asks sharply.  
  
Holding up a hand I go around the room and light the various gas lamps. After   
that I stoke the fire before getting dinner warmed up. I can feel Asuka's eyes  
on my back as she patiently waits for my answer, but I can see that she  
is not as patient as I thought. Her arms are crossed over her abdomen and her  
eyes are glaring at me as I bring a bowl of oatmeal for her.   
  
"There's people outside." Her eyes widen at my answer.  
  
"Idiot! How come you don't look happy or invited them in."  
  
I simply stare at her stomach and she gets my answer.  
  
"Sorry but I thought..."  
  
Asuka stops in midsentence as she closes her eyes as contraction hits her. I   
want to hit myself as I should have known that another one was due. The only   
good thing was that she didn't have one while I was gone when she would have been  
alone in the house. Her breath comes in short, fast gasps as she digs her nails  
into the palm of my hand. I gently stroke her head as her body goes through the  
motions as it nears the end of her pregnancy. As the pain continues I worry   
that maybe this is the time and I nervously make my way to the end of the bed.  
  
"Excuse me."   
  
The voice penetrates my worry and stop my actions, causing me to whip my head  
around towards the door. Standing in the doorway with his hands raised is a  
gaunt man in his middle twenties staring me while Oni and Tenshi growl at him.   
Standing I walk over to him and stop about three feet away, studying him. I   
should be happy that humans have finally returned and we won't have to be alone  
anymore but the timing is all wrong. I don't have time to help the survivors  
get organized.  
  
"That was bad," I mutter, slapping my forehead. The survivors had just   
returned from being LCL and I didn't care what happened to them. How selfish am  
I that I don't care what happens to them. What would Asuka say about that? It's  
that answer that I don't want to think about. "Look Mr.."  
  
"Just call me Ryo for the moment."  
  
"Look Ryo I don't want to seem callous or rude but this is not the time for   
me to be talking." I turn around and glance at Asuka. "I have more important   
things..."  
  
"I know that, but I can help since I was an EMT." The man paused. "Or at   
least I think I was."  
  
"And what is that supposed to mean?" I can't believe that this man wants to   
help but can't even remember his past.  
  
"Everything is a jumble in my head. I have thoughts and memories that I know  
aren't mine, but…"  
  
"You want us to trust you when you can't even remember what you did for a   
living?" Asuka interrupts.  
  
"Yes! Because my strongest thoughts are of my name and helping others."  
  
I look over at Asuka and see the worry in her eyes, yet at the same time   
understanding. This man was trying to sort out his life and he was clinging to   
the few thoughts that he thought were his own. He was desperate to reestablish   
his identity and life. Still how was I supposed to make the decision that would  
affect Asuka and our child. Squeezing Asuka's hand I stare into her eyes.  
  
"It's your decision, Asuka."  
  
"Why is just my decision?"   
  
I feel my face heat up as I answer. "Because he's going to be between your   
legs, and not mine."   
  
Her face goes red as she closes her eyes. I know that she is deciding   
whether to trust this complete stranger, just like the time she came to fully   
trust me. But this time it isn't simply her heart that she is placing in the   
hands of another but the life of our child and her own. Also she had known me   
before she had placed her heart in my hands while we have just seen this   
stranger for five minutes. Yet as she opens her I can see that she has made her  
decision.  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Asuka, please," I plead.  
  
"Do you trust yourself to deliver our child Shinji? To know what to do if   
something goes wrong or if a situation arises that needs a quick decision."   
Her voice is calm. "This isn't just about you or me." Asuka takes my hand and   
places it on her stomach. "It's also about her. I'm willing to trust him if it   
means my daughter is born safely."  
  
I have never felt so torn between obeying Asuka or protecting her, but I   
have no choice since I told her it was her decision. Sadly I nod my head and   
call the dogs away from the man. I close and bar the door behind him ensuring   
that no more visitors will come unexpected. Going to one of the cabinets I pull  
out all the supplies that we figured that we would need and carry the boxes   
over to the table Ryo has pulled up to the foot of the bed. Again the feeling   
of helplessness almost makes me want to run away, but instead I sit on the edge  
of the bed and watch the man lay out the surprises.  
  
"You do anything wrong or improper and you'll wish that you had never come   
back."  
  
"I wouldn't expect anything less." As he looks up I see that the confusion   
is gone. "How far apart are her contraction?"  
  
"Eight minutes."  
  
"Good that gives us some time."  
  
  
- - - -  
  
It's selfish and slightly repulsive for me to admit that I'm glad I am a  
male. But as I watch Asuka, with her face contorted in pain give birth, I know  
that there is no way I could have endured it. I've handled a ton of emotional  
pain throughout my life but I've escaped having to suffer any large physical   
pains. The physical pain that had been inflicted upon me probably wouldn't even  
come close to what Asuka is feeling as she draws another deep breath. She used  
to joke nervously about what it would feel like trying to push a peg through  
a hole; her words not mine. I'm sure right at this moment she is regretting  
ever sleeping with me, yet she is suprisingly quiet with no threats against my  
life or body.   
  
"What's so funny?" I look down to see Asuka squinting at me as I grip her  
hand.  
  
"I'll tell you later, okay." She nods her head as I give her a kiss on the  
forehead.  
  
Looking down at the foot of the bed I watch as Ryo and two women are busy  
keeping the cloths changed and the bed clean. I was surprised when Asuka agreed  
to have two more people let into the house to help, since I thought she would  
be embarrassed. Ryo glances up and winks at me, as he must have seen the puzzled  
look on my face. Despite my reservations I have to say that he truly knows what  
he is doing as he coaches Asuka with each breath. Pain shoots through my hand  
as Asuka clenches it tighty in time with a cry, just before her body goes limp.   
  
"Waah!" My tears flow as our child cries for the first time.  
  
I'm torn between leaving Asuka's side and going to see our child or staying  
at her side and wait for the baby to be brought to us. The decision is made  
as Asuka keeps her hand around mine as she squeezes her eyes shut in pain. I  
glance down to see surprise on Ryo's face as he finishes his task and hands the   
baby to one of his helpers. She quickly wraps the baby in a blanket and stands   
off to the side, rocking my child gently.  
  
"What's wrong?" Ryo ignores me and continues his work. "What is wrong, Ryo?"  
  
This time he glances up with humor on his face, "Well one is out but it   
looks like there is another one in there." He glanced down between Asuka's legs.  
"Let's see if it's a boy or another girl."  
  
- - - -  
  
"They're so small." Asuka's voice is filled with astonishment and love.   
  
Lifting my gaze from our daughter in my arms I look over at Asuka as she   
cradles our son. The returnees have left our house and gone to one of the   
caches that we had directed them to except for Ryo. But even he has given us   
room and time by going outside to supposedly think over what had recently   
happened to him. I'm grateful for the solitude as Asuka is able to rest and we  
can gaze at the newborns. Even I'm able to relax finally as the tension has   
drained from my body after months of worry, but the doubt is still with me.  
  
"I'm glad this is over."   
  
Asuka stares questingly at me. "Why are you glad this is over? You didn't  
have to carry our children or go through labor."  
  
"Because I can finally give up my past." I move closer to Asuka but taking   
care not to jostle the child in my arms. "No more thoughts of running away from  
reality. No more comparing myself to my father or following in his footsteps."  
  
"It's about time you put those thoughts out of your head." She moves closer  
until we're touching each other. "After all I had to put my past behind me  
months ago. I was beginning to wonder when you would catch up to the present."  
  
"Then what were those nightmares about?"  
  
Her smile is dangerous in its beauty. "Just nonsense." She snuggles closer.   
"You really wouldn't have run, would you?"  
  
"Probably not."  
  
"Good. Everything is beginning anew and I wouldn't want you to miss out on   
it."  
  
I rest my chin on my chest and gaze at the baby in my arms as I think about  
Asuka's words. The world would continue on with or without humans but that was  
not what she was talking about. When we woke from Instrumentality we did not  
have a clean slate but had to deal with the loss of humanity, and how our pasts   
affected our relationship and us. Now with the birth of our children our slates  
could be wiped clean of the past, and of worries and doubts. And with the   
returnees humanity also now had a clean slate upon which to rebuild. Hopefully.  
  
"A new beginning for everyone."   
  
With those words Asuka goes silently and a few moments later I hear a light  
snore come from her. Smiling I climb from the bed and walk over to the cradle  
that had been assembled and place our daughter in it. Moving slowly, so as  
not to wake Asuka, I pick up her son from her arms and take him over to where  
his sister is resting. As I tuck the blankets around them I realize how lucky  
I am to have made it this far in life for I have two new children and a beautiful  
woman who loves me. Stepping outside I stare up into the night sky, a smile   
plastered over my face.  
  
"Happy to be a father?"  
  
I spin around in surprise to see Ryo squatting next to the house, my smile   
fading. I had wanted to be alone to soak up the happiness that I was feeling   
but that was dashed. It always seems that when there are other people around I   
can't get a time to myself. Still he deserves an answer to a legitimate   
question.  
  
"I'm extremely happy, but at the same time…"  
  
"Scared stiff?" He gets up and walks over.   
  
"Yes."  
  
"I think all parents have doubts when they first have children, and since   
you two are so young you are going to have more than the usual amount of   
worry."  
  
He doesn't know how true that it.   
  
"How did you find us?" I inquire, my curiosity finally kicking and wanting   
to change the subject away from families. "And when did you return?"  
  
Ryo doesn't say anything for a few moments. "I guess it's been about two   
weeks since we returned and wandered south along the coast. As for how we found  
you we just walked towards the column of smoke." He points at the house's   
chimney.  
  
"What was it like?"   
  
I watch as Ryo shakes his head and walks away, fading into the night. I stand  
there wondering if the experience was not free of pain or if that   
Instrumentality had failed in a different way. Shrugging my shoulders I walk   
back into the house and towards my family. Moving slowly, so as not to wake   
Asuka, I work my way underneath the blankets and hold her gently. My thoughts   
of Ryo and Instrumentality fade as I lose myself to Asuka's warmth.  
  
I'm happy and nothing at the moment will change that.   
  
* * * *  
  
Any haphazardness was done on purpose to reflect Shinji and his nerves. j/k  
Actually all the jumping around was done somewhat on purpose as I wanted to  
give snapshots of certain scenes and situations without fully developing them.  
Case in point was the meeting of Shinji and the returnees. Instead of devoting  
too much time to making a dialogue between them I wanted to show how Shinji  
would be divided. On one hand Asuka is in labor and he should be at her side but  
these are human beings that he has worried over for a couple years, yet he isn't  
happy to see them. Another example was the delivery scene I wanted a short  
scene where Shinji feels guilty about some of his thoughts and then has a large  
surprise dropped on him. Hopefully it was entertaining.  
  
Pre-reader was Weltall Elite.  
  
C&C is welcome as usual.  
  
Red Horseman eva_pilot9@doramail.com 


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